ANTAGONISTIC AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
Gaslighting…narcissistic personality styles…or just down right toxic…
No matter what you call it, you know that things in your relationship are not healthy. No matter how many times you think it will get better, you find yourself feeling depleted, confused, and utterly exhausted.
You may even believe that it must be you, perhaps you have been made to believe this over time. Working with a therapist who understands emotional abuse, validates you, and is in your corner 100 percent is crucial towards getting your life back. Perhaps even finding out who you really are for the first time.
Antagonistic relationships are characterized by chronic conflict, manipulation, and emotional abuse. The signs can be subtle (covert), overt (need for admiration in others), or the combination of both. If you find yourself questioning your worth, second-guessing your actions, or feeling trapped and isolated, these may be signs of an antagonistic relationship.
Many successful women find themselves in these relationships, often because of they are empaths and dedicated to making the relationship work. When you add children to the mix, leaving an antagonistic relationship may prove to be one of the hardest things you ever do. But staying in an antagonistic relationship can lead to extreme mental and physical health issues. Research studies are finding chronic illness and unexplained physical health issues connected to staying in long-term emotionally abusive relationships.
Signs of Antagonistic Relationships
Constant Criticism: Your partner frequently criticizes, belittles, or undermines you, eroding your self-esteem and confidence. For example, they might make negative comments about your appearance, intelligence, or abilities, both privately and in front of others. They may even verbally abuse you and resort to name calling.
Manipulation and Gaslighting: You’re often made to feel guilty or responsible for their behavior, leading you to doubt your own perceptions and reality. They might deny things they said or did, making you feel confused and questioning your memory. The cycle has been termed DARVO (Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender). DARVO is a common manipulation strategy used by individuals, particularly those with narcissistic traits, in antagonistic relationships.
Emotional Rollercoaster: Your relationship is characterized by intense highs and lows, leaving you exhausted and anxious. One moment, your partner may shower you with affection, only to turn cold and distant without warning. Passive-Aggressive behavior can often be present and represents it’s own form of abuse.
Lack of Respect: Your feelings, opinions, and boundaries are consistently disregarded or dismissed. For instance, your partner might ignore your wishes about personal space, privacy, or shared responsibilities.
Isolation: You feel increasingly isolated from friends, family, and support systems as your partner seeks to control your interactions. They might discourage or outright prevent you from seeing loved ones or attending social events. This can be gradual or can result from you seeking outside social interaction because you are emotionally depleted.
Unpredictability: Your partner’s behavior is unpredictable and erratic, causing you to feel constantly on edge and insecure. They might have sudden outbursts of anger or shift moods dramatically without apparent reason. This can feel frightening and unnerving. The energy in your home can often feel off and your children may begin to notice that things in the home seem off.
Fear and Intimidation: You often feel afraid of your partner’s reactions or the consequences of standing up for yourself. They might use threats, either explicit or implicit, to keep you compliant. You may find yourself having symptoms of PTSD, resulting in prolonged stress responses.
Financial Control: Your partner may control the finances, limiting your access to money and creating dependency. They might monitor your spending, deny you access to bank accounts, or require you to justify every expense. They may not be forthcoming about their own spending but constantly monitor or make comments on your spending.
Blame Shifting: Your partner consistently blames you for their problems or negative emotions. If they are upset, it’s always your fault, regardless of the circumstances. This can leave you feeling very emotionally unstable overtime, questioning your own judgement.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: Excessive jealousy and possessiveness can be another sign. Your partner might accuse you of infidelity without cause or become overly involved in your personal life and relationships. They may question your work ethic and be critical of your ambition.
Withholding Affection: Your partner uses affection as a tool to manipulate you, giving or withdrawing love and attention based on your compliance with their demands. You may find you don’t want to be affectionate with your partner due to the underlying confusing feelings that are part of being in an antagonistic relationship.
Sabotage: They might undermine your goals, whether personal or professional, by discouraging your ambitions, interfering with your work, or creating obstacles to your success. They could even resort to lying or withholding of information without you knowledge to cause destruction to your professional ventures.
Engaging in Self-Destructive Behavior: You may find that you are numbing out with substances, work, perfectionistic behaviors, food, or dieting leading to eating disordered behavior to try and escape from the reality of the relationship.
Trauma Bonding: Intermittent reinforcement of affection and abuse creates a powerful emotional attachment, making it challenging to leave the relationship despite the pain it causes. This can be similar to concept of codependency and repeating dysfunctional childhood attachment patterns.
How Therapy Can Help When You Are in an Antagonistic Relationship
Being in an antagonistic relationship can be deeply challenging, affecting your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. Therapy can be a powerful tool to help you navigate and ultimately overcome the difficulties associated with such a relationship. Even if you decide to stay, there are ways you can begin to protect yourself.
1. Validation and Understanding
Validation: One of the most immediate benefits of therapy is the validation of your experiences. Therapy can help you understand that your feelings and perceptions are real and significant, countering the gaslighting and manipulation often present in antagonistic relationships.
Understanding Dynamics: A trained therapist can help you recognize patterns of emotional abuse and manipulation. They can help you see the dynamics at play in your relationship, giving you a clearer understanding of what you’re experiencing.
2. Emotional Support and Safety
Safe Space: Therapy provides a safe and confidential space where you can express your feelings without fear of judgment or retribution. This can be incredibly healing, especially when you’ve been silenced or belittled in your relationship.
Emotional Release: Talking about your experiences can help release pent-up emotions, reducing stress and anxiety. It’s a chance to process your feelings in a healthy way.
3. Building Self-Esteem and Resilience
Rebuilding Self-Esteem: A trained therapist can work with you to rebuild your self-esteem, which is often eroded in antagonistic relationships.
Resilience Training: Therapy can help you develop resilience, providing you with the tools to cope with the ongoing challenges of your relationship. This might include stress management techniques, mindfulness practices, relaxation techniques and other coping strategies.
4. Developing Boundaries and Assertiveness
Setting Boundaries: A trained therapist can help you learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries. This is crucial in antagonistic relationships where your boundaries may have been consistently violated. Boundary setting is a core component in Dr. Cynthia’s work with clients.
Assertiveness Training: You can learn how to assert your needs and rights without feeling guilty or afraid. This includes communication strategies that help you stand up for yourself effectively.
5. Strategizing and Planning
Safety Planning: If your relationship has elements of physical danger, a safety plan can be put in place. This includes practical steps to ensure your safety and the safety of your children.
Decision-Making: Therapy can provide a structured environment to explore your options and make informed decisions about your relationship. Whether it’s setting boundaries, seeking a separation, or finding ways to cope, your therapist can guide you through the process. Navigating legal separation, divorce, and coparenting are all extremely stressful, especially with antagonistic partner.
6. Healing from Trauma
Trauma Recovery: Antagonistic relationships often involve elements of emotional or psychological trauma. Therapists trained in trauma-informed care can help you work through trauma, reduce PTSD symptoms, and begin the healing process.
Breaking Trauma Bonds: Therapy can help you understand and break the trauma bonds that may be keeping you attached to your partner, allowing you to move towards healthier relationships in the future.
7. Building a Support Network
Connecting with Resources: Therapists can connect you with additional resources such as support groups, legal advice, and community services. Building a broader support network is essential for long-term recovery.
Group Therapy: Joining group therapy sessions with others in similar situations can provide additional support and perspective. It helps to know that you’re not alone and that others have successfully navigated similar challenges.
8. Empowerment and Personal Growth
Empowerment: Ultimately, therapy aims to empower you to take control of your life. This involves recognizing your own strength, making choices that are best for you, and moving towards a healthier, more fulfilling future.
Personal Growth: Therapy is not just about addressing immediate issues but also about fostering long-term personal growth. It’s an opportunity to rediscover yourself, your values, and your goals outside of the antagonistic relationship. It may also be the first time you learn to discover who you truly are.